Another Day

Another Day. Another Day.
I seem to say that every day.
Is there no other way for me to say,
Another day has passed?

 

 

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What Mother’s Know

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I Don’t Know

I don’t know how I do it (be a mother)
I don’t know how I manage
I don’t know how I find the strength
I don’t know how I live without sleep
I don’t know how I stay calm when the baby is screaming
I don’t know how I find time to use the bathroom
I don’t know how I do so many things while holding a baby in one arm: Eat, Make dinner, Wash the dishes, Mop the floor, Load washing machine, Fold laundry, Shop for groceries

I Do Know

I do know there is no other experience like being a parent
I do know I love kids smiles, laughs, burps, farts
I do know I love having a baby sleep in my arms
I do know each time I go through the process, as hard as it is, I would do it all again.

 

 

Sunshine, Freedom and Love

What is sunshine, freedom and love? It is not a hippie saying from the 1970’s (I don’t think?) or a slogan for Arizona. It is actually part of a quote from the back of a necklace that will inspire me for the upcoming year. While everyone else is contemplating what presents to buy for Christmas during December, I am reflecting on the past year and contemplating goals for 2012. What do I want in the next year? How do I want to feel at the end of the year? Where do I want to focus my attention so I can be happy? What will my life look like in one year? Will I feel fulfilled? Will I feel happy?

Last year when I thought about my life at the end of 2010 I came to the sad and frightening conclusion that to accomplish my goals (to be happy) something was going to have to change in my marriage. At the time I didn’t know it would actually come to an end. I had an inkling, but I didn’t know it would actually happen within the year. I also had no idea that a new love would fill my heart so quickly. So many things that happened during the year were driven by my goals, yet many things happened unplanned. Sometimes the unplanned things are the sweetest. Even though I am goal driven, I recognize that you cannot plan everything. Life has unexpected twists and turns and you have to accept those and smile about them.

Like most people who are single, I have the desire for a relationship. As I step back and look at the road ahead, I realize that how I have lived in the past probably will not be the same in the future. Instead of searching for someone to make me happy, I am looking to make myself happy. I really just want a companion to share life’s trials and tribulations with. I hear a lot about the ‘last call’ of the day to share ups and downs with. I realize that ‘last call’ can be with a friend, family member or a romantic interest. It doesn’t really matter which one. All three make me happy. The big realization from last year was that I have spent most of my life trying to make other people happy – but now it is my turn to make myself happy. Sort of a departure from my previous view of life. Everyone I know seems to be looking for ‘someone to make them happy’ or ‘someone to love’ or ‘someone to marry and have children with’. As I look at life from a new perspective, I am awed at the way I incorrectly viewed life before. Is it a result of a divorce or simply reaching a certain age that makes you see things this way. I seem to be looking at how to enjoy the 2nd half of my life instead of like the first half which was spent accomplishing things (careers, love, marriage, children). Now that I see life is so short, instead of accomplishments, I want happiness. I choose life over things. I choose relationships with people over money and success.

The quote on the necklace I wear around my neck is,”To live one must have sunshine, freedom and love”. I found this necklace in the oddest of places. I was passing through Denver airport during a layover and stopped in a jewelry shop. The necklace called to me. The necklace has a picture of a sunflower (reminiscent of my favorite flower, the black-eyed Susan) and on the back was the quote. As soon as I saw the quote, I knew the necklace was destined to be mine. Rarely do I have these ‘aha’ moments, but I felt it right then. The necklace (and quote) would carry me into the new year and beyond as I identified how I was going to accomplish happiness in the next year.

Not to say that the last year was not filled with happy moments, happy times, a love I will never forget as well as emotions of sadness, regret, and fear. To have emotions is to live – regardless of the type of emotion. I guess for the next year, I don’t want just emotion, I want happiness. As if my life depended on happiness. In reality, life does depend on happiness and my road to happiness will be paved by my goals. I don’t know why this necklace found me. Sometimes strange things like that happen to me. Like when you desire a solution to a problem and the solution appears at the exact time and place you need it. Funny how that this happens to me with people also. Strategically placed in the space-time continuum forever changing the course of my life – just when I need them.

For next year I have a vision of what I want. It is just a question of when and how the universe will give that to me (or how I will go and grab it!). I don’t know if I believe in divine intervention, but there seems to be some sort of intervention happening in my life these days. Maybe it is my positive thinking. Maybe it is good karma. Maybe it is just chance and luck that I see as something bigger than me. One thing I do know is that inspiration comes in strange forms, and this one happened to be a simple quote on the back of a $29 necklace. What will inspire you this year and help you reach your goals in 2012?

The power of the pen or the keyboard?

Lately I noticed that I really enjoy writing with a pen on paper more than I like writing on a computer. Is that antiquated? It made me wonder if there is something physically different about the writing process with the pen that makes it more fun to perform than typing. The words literally flow from the ink in my pen to the paper whereas on the computer, I have to ‘tick-tick-tick’ the words. It feels like a completely different experience, although both require the writing of words.

I know writing to paper requires ‘rewriting’ into the computer later (assuming I want to share it), but sometimes the stuff I write to paper isn’t really worth sharing. Occasionally I go back and read some of the junk I have written, but most of the time it is more important to just get it out of my mind. This is because I do cathartic writing before I start the real writing, and that is the stuff that ends up in the notebooks that should ultimately be burned. Sometimes there are words that haunt you forever, and I would like those to just go up in flames. What about the good words? How do I effectively write them and get them into a computer at the same time?

I am not sure why, but I miss the paper and pen writing when I don’t do it. Besides, it seems like it is only about one day every decade that I write something very profound necessitating sharing. Since burning the computer isn’t an option (and it is a requirement), I will still continue to use some number of paper notebooks for my junk writing. Recyclers forgive me when I burn my notebooks, just remember that it is for a good cause – my sanity. I guess I need to continue using both mediums (paper/pen and laptop) of I am to be truly efficient. If this is what made it to the computer, you can only imagine what is in my paper notebook (a.k.a. kindling).

Are you a turtle or a bird?

Communication happens when people can express their feelings without fear. I can do it. Can you? If you can’t, why not? What is preventing you? Are other people really that scary? Sometimes I wish people could be more open to discussion. Even to argue. Instead, people often crawl inside a shell and hide like a turtle.

The safety inside the shell seems nice until you realize that you are alone. If you don’t come out, you will remain alone. This is your choice. I am out of my shell, and in fact, I think I lost my shell completely. Where did I put that anyway? It doesn’t matter because I don’t need it. I have transformed into a bird – my wings are open and I am soaring above the ground. Sometimes I wonder if armor, like a shell, is just to keep people out. Are we really just keeping ourselves in, thereby preventing life? What exactly are we protecting anyway?

Relationships don’t happen in a shell because they will soon die. Even a turtle needs nourishment of some kind. How are you staying alive if you are stuck inside your shell? Are you really happy in there? Is this what you want and need? Don’t you want to live, to love and just ‘be’ instead of withering away in a cramped up space literally inside yourself? Really, your shell of fear is the only thing standing between you and your happiness. What will it be? Do you want to be a turtle, or something else?

Wind in my hair

A gentle wind is blowing my hair around just enough so that it is tickling my face. It feels good to have fresh color and a clean haircut. For some reason my hair seems more bouncy. It is also nice to have covered up those nasty gray hairs that started to peek out. Funny how we pay hairdressers to make our hair look natural or should I say ‘naturalish’. Today my hair color turned out a nice brown with a hint of red that you can only really see in the bright sunlight. It isn’t a “Carrot Top” kind of red, but a nice auburn or burnt ember kind of red. I always wonder who gets their hair purple – because I saw that option in the ‘color’ book.

I was thinking about the weight of my hair. Somehow gravity is non-existent in the salon, because my hair truly defies gravity – at least until I walk out the front door. If I am lucky my hair will keep its bounce and fresh-cut look for about 24 hours. Will it stay like this if I don’t sleep on it? Should I just sleep in a chair tonight so that I don’t mess up my hair? Then I could show it off for work tomorrow. Hmmm… maybe not, because I would still have to figure out how to take a shower without getting it wet (like wear one of those crazy shower caps?). Does anyone under 70 or maybe 80 even wear a shower cap anymore? I certainly don’t own a shower cap. Honestly. I have seen them in hotels before. I have to ask…who still uses them?.

I guess I will just have to wash my hair tomorrow and let nature take its course with my hair (even though it feels more like revenge). I live in the driest climate (Arizona) which results in lack of curls, but it also isn’t good for body (this is why it seems to look flat all the time). Oregon seemed to yield ‘curly everywhere’ hair, reminiscent of a clown. Luckily I kept my hair pretty long when I lived there, otherwise I really would have looked like a clown. The wind seems to be picking up, but since the sky is dark (it is night-time) I cannot tell if the wind is friendly (clear skies?) or evil (rainstorm or dust storm?). If friendly, then I will be able to sit outside on the patio for a while longer. You just never know what the wind will blow your way. I was hoping the weekend would blow my way, until I realized today was only Wednesday. I think sadly,”By the weekend I will have completely lost the ‘new haircut’ feeling.” Another breeze pushes strands of hair against my face. I close my eyes and enjoy the tickling of my face while I still can.